Last time I talked about the 4 R’s of fear, and one aspect of overcoming your fears often means dealing with conflict, so this week that’s our topic. .
I like to use a model created by Thomas and Ralph Kilmann specifically looking at conflict. They describe conflict as the condition in which people’s concerns are incomparable. If the things which two people care about are opposed, then there is conflict.
The word ‘conflict’ has a natural negative association of battling, shouting, blaming and arguing. This makes conflict seem like something to be avoided at all costs. However, conflict has a very positive side of debating, questioning and challenging the status quo. If conflict is viewed as a simple incompatibility of concerns, then it is a rational matter of choosing an approach in a given situation.
The Thomas-Kilmann model is the idea that everyone thinks differently and handles conflict differently, but these differences can be overcome. This model calls for the following steps:
Understand that everyone is different;
Know there are different conflict handling modes;
Learn your conflict handling modes, and;
Learn other conflict styles and how to use them
With these steps, the idea is that we can learn how we handle conflict, how others handle conflict, and how to mesh those ideas to resolve conflict. In the workplace, this model can help employees and managers alike to learn how to better work with one another. This will help a workplace operate more smoothly and comfortably.
1) Understanding that everyone is different
The first step seems the easiest but it can also be the hardest to remember.
When coming to a conflict with someone, it is important to remember that the way you are thinking might not line up with the way someone else is thinking. This does not mean that you’re wrong or the other person is wrong it just means that each of you is different. So, during these conflicts, think about where the opposing viewpoint is coming from. If you aren’t willing to consider others points of view, this can add to conflict and kill productivity.
2) Knowing the different conflict handling modes
Building on the idea of everyone thinking differently, everyone has different modes of handling conflict.
According to the Thomas-Kilmann model, there are two dimensions when choosing a course of action in a conflict situation, these are assertiveness and cooperativeness.
Assertiveness is the degree to which you try to satisfy your own needs. The level of assertiveness a conflict handling style has represents how interested in your own interests you are.
Cooperativeness is the degree to which you try to satisfy the other person’s concerns.
From this come five conflict handling modes:
Avoiding = sidestepping the conflict
Accommodating = trying to satisfy the other person’s concerns at expense of your own
Compromising = trying to find an acceptable settlement that only partially satisfies both people’s concerns
Competing = trying to satisfy your concerns at the expense of others
Collaborating = trying to find a win-win solution which completely satisfies both people’s concerns
The 5 modes:
Competing is assertive and uncooperative, a power-oriented mode. When competing, an individual pursues his or her own concerns at the other person’s expense, using whatever power seems appropriate to win his or her position. Competing might mean standing up for your rights, defending a position you believe is correct, or simply trying to win.
Individuals with this conflict handling mode are likely to use whatever they can to win an argument such as particularly good debating skills or even the use of rank. These individuals defend their position in an argument heavily.
Collaborating is both assertive and cooperative. When collaborating, an individual attempts to work with the other person to find a solution that fully satisfies the concerns of both. It involves digging into an issue to identify the underlying concerns of the two individuals and to find an alternative that meets both sets of concerns.
Collaborating between two persons might take the form of exploring a disagreement to learn from each other’s insights, resolving some condition that would otherwise have them competing for resources, or confronting and trying to find a creativesolution to an interpersonal problem.
If you have a collaborative handling mode, you are likely to consider both sides of a conflict and look at the underlying problems and find an answer that works for everyone.
Collaborative conflict handling modes involve more discussion than argument and finding a solution that addresses all issues.
Compromising is intermediate in both assertiveness and cooperativeness. When compromising, an individual has the objective of finding an expedient, mutually acceptable solution that partially satisfies both parties.
"In a conflict, being willing to change allows you to move from a point of view to a viewing point - a higher more expansive place, from which you can see both sides." Thomas Crum
Compromising falls on a middle ground between competing and accommodating, giving up more than competing but less than accommodating. Likewise, it addresses an issue more directly than avoiding but doesn’t explore it in as much depth as collaborating. Compromising might mean splitting the difference, exchanging concessions, or seeking a quick middle-ground position.
Compromising mode is close to collaborating mode. While the collaborative handling mode holds a little more assertiveness with the individual taking charge of a mutually beneficial conversation, compromising is equally assertiveness and cooperative.
One of the biggest differences between this and collaborative conflict handling is how deeply an issue is looked at. While a collaborative mode focuses more on picking an issue apart and finding the source of an issue, a compromising mode tries to find a quick middle ground to a problem by meshing multiple ideas into a single solution.
Avoiding is unassertive and uncooperative. When avoiding, an individual does not immediately pursue his or her own concerns or those of the other person. He or she does not address the conflict. Avoiding might take the form of diplomatically sidestepping an issue, postponing an issue until a better time, or simply withdrawing from a threatening situation.
If you hate conflict, you might also use the avoiding conflict handling mode. It might also be used if someone doesn’t feel like they have a large stake or strong opinion in the conflict. Rather than choosing a side, these individuals are likely to neither pursue their own interests or the interests of anyone else involved in the conflict.
Accommodating is unassertive and cooperative—the opposite of competing. When accommodating, an individual neglects his or her own concerns to satisfy the concerns of the other person; there is an element of self-sacrifice in this mode. Accommodating might take the form of selfless generosity or charity, obeying another person’s order when you would prefer not to, or yielding to another’s point of view.
This could be a style leaned on out of a feeling of self-sacrifice for the bigger picture. However, it could also be used by individuals who truly dislike conflict and are willing to sacrifice their opinions in an argument to avoid it.
3) Learn your conflict handling modes
The Thomas-Kilmann model also works with the Thomas-Kilmann Instrument (TKI). This assessment takes about 15 to 20 minutes to complete and it helps you to find what conflict handling modes you lean towards.
I attach a spreadsheet I’ve created that will enable you to undertake the TKI assessment in order to gain a personal insight into your own/ current modes of conflict.
"Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude" William James
4) Learn other conflict styles and how to use them
I also attach a document to help you interpret your results, and gain insight into others, so you can then take each situation, assess what the conflict approaches being deployed by the others involved are, at a minimum enter with an awareness, at best adjust your style to assist in gaining the best outcome for you, for them and for the situation in of itself.
Conflict is sadly a fundamental of life, and how we approach it can not only affect the outcome, but also our own self-perception (how we judge ourselves), our wellbeing (stress and anxiety) and the growth (adaption and confidence).
So it is something that it worth spending a little time over. Mastering a number of approaches is also a good plan, as you have to be able to respond to the situation you’re in, if you always approach situations in the same way, your attainment of the outcome you desire could well be mired.
If you're working as part of a team or company going through change, as so many are this means you may well be asked to challenge the status quo, to be part of the transformation that the company needs. That doesn’t mean everyone is going to accept that easily – people resist change, and they’ll fight to retain their piece of the puzzle how they like it – so conflict is inherent in our past, our present and will be a key element of our future. Best be forearmed…
Until next time…
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