As I’ve talked about a few times in previous blogs, we are all unique – in so many ways, and that by nature means we have to more reasons to be in conflict with one another than not.
To be accountable, make things happen, we have talked about asking questions, listening, finding similarities, being open-minded and many other aspects. The aspect I want to talk about today is conflict and the ways we work through it.
We all know the term “win-win” and most of us say that is what we want, but do we? What do we mean by that, and are we actually prepared to find one?
There are typically 4 strategies that are adopted:
Competition: “I win — you lose. It’s that simple.”
Compromise: “It’s a give-and-take proposition. Each of us gets a little of what we want even though we don’t get all of what we want.”
Collaboration: “Why don’t we pool our resources and work together on this problem — be a team?”
Accommodation: “Whatever — we’ll try it your way this time. It’s not worth fighting about.”
Competition
Competition is a win-lose strategy for resolving conflict. Competitive employees attempt to gain power by winning arguments. Healthy competition involves “winning without intimidating” others. Unhealthy competition is about winning at all costs — it’s aggressive and ends up hurting others.
Competition can be an advantage (a) when it occurs in an adversarial situation like a court battle or a sporting event and (b) because it signals that the employee is fully committed to some important issue or outcome.
In many settings, competition is viewed as a sign of strength. It is not however an approach that we view as a sign of strength – it’s dogmatic, closed minded and fails to put the sense of team, customer-focus and accountability at its centre
“Remember that no matter how cool you think you may be, you’re not cool enough to look down on anyone… ever” – Paul Walker
Overly competitive employees create a lot of unhappiness for themselves and those with whom they work, and tend to exhibit the following behaviours when there’s a conflict:
They direct personal criticism at the person with whom they’re having a conflict.
They argue, make demands, and threaten others.
They act with contempt — for example, roll their eyes or sigh while you’re trying to make your point.
They’re quick to deny responsibility.
They’re inflexible — it’s their way or the highway.
Even their humour is hostile.
“Life is not a competition. Life is about helping and inspiring others so we can each reach our potential” - Kim Chase
Compromise
It’s not clear how or why, but in recent years compromise seems to have become a dirty word. No longer the venerable art of give-a-little-to-get-a-little, compromise is for many people a sign of weakness. It’s for losers, they claim, and it leads to mediocrity.
But no. Compromise is your go-to option when faced with an uncontrolled and sustained conflict. Very often the only way to power through a standoff is to cede a bit of ground, providing a mini-success that helps people start to work together again. You don’t have to jettison any strongly held beliefs. You merely need to let your “opponents” know that while you fundamentally disagree with them, you do want to find a middle ground you can all live with.
It helps considerably if you understand everyone’s true needs. These are not always obvious. For example, colleagues who don’t want to take on certain tasks may say, “That’s not my job,” when what they really mean is “I don’t know how to do that job” or “I fear I can’t do that job.”
So, if seeking to find a compromise:
It pays to be transparent about your intentions. Your honesty will inspire the same in others.
Try offering more than one option to resolving a problem. (Everybody likes choices.)
Keep your emotions under control, reminding yourself that the ability to compromise is a sign of strength, maturity and self-confidence.
When it’s over, let it be over.
When compromising you should, of course, never sacrifice your integrity, your self-respect or your health. Fortunately, in most business situations those things will seldom be asked of you. The vast majority of compromises are rather humdrum, a simple discovery of that sweet spot where all parties get some, not all, of what they desire.
You may also encounter situations where something is just not worth fighting over. So don’t. Pick your battles, saving your energy and social capital for the really important matters.
A failure to compromise is an enormous waste of time, money and energy, often harming innocent people in the process. Plus no one can function in an atmosphere of mutual distrust. Putting aside your ego and pride to resolve conflict builds stronger and healthier relationships and allows everyone to move forward. Compromise makes you a winner, not a loser.
“Compromise is not about losing. It is about deciding that the other person has just as much right to be happy with the end result as you do” – Donna Martini
Collaboration
When employees collaborate, they integrate their ideas and energies so that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. This happens because:
Collaboration generates new ideas. All parties feel freer to be creative in coming up with ways to solve problems and conflicts. No one idea or opinion dominates.
Collaboration signals mutual respect for all parties involved. People believe their feelings and ideas have value.
“It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit” – Harry S. Truman.
Collaboration requires a greater degree of commitment than other conflict management strategies like compromise and accommodation. Each employee feels a sense of true partnership - that is, not only are they part of the problem, they’re also part of the solution.
Collaboration requires a willingness to move with rather than against your coworkers. This means there’s less resistance, less tension in the process of finding a new solution to the conflict.
“Many ideas grow better when transplated into another mind than the one where they sprang up” – Oliver Wendell Holmes
Accommodation
Whatever is a powerful word. In conflict situations, where cooperation is the order of the day but there is no possibility of compromise or collaboration, try accommodation.
Some people think of accommodation as just another word for giving up or giving in - which, in a highly competitive society, is unthinkable. But it’s also a strategy for reducing or eliminating conflict that expresses a desire for harmony.
The word whatever can have many meanings, for example:
Your way is fine; let’s go with that.
I just don’t want to fight about this.
I had my way last time — you can have your way this time.
This issue is not the hill I want to die on.
Obviously, this means more to you than it does to me.
I’m trying to be reasonable here.
Since you’ve got the upper hand, what’s the sense of fighting about this?
Accommodation, in my humble opinion, is often required more than people think in larger organisations - the processes that already exist, the forums we must attend – we may not agree, but we accommodate them for the easier life, the life where we can focus on what really matters, where we bend and meld what we really need around what we have to accept. That adaptability, pragmatism and flexibility is a skillset that is now in high demand and differentiates us. If we can only be successful one way, we will not be successful enduringly – change is always changing, so we have to too.
The next time you find yourself in conflict with someone at work, start out with the mindset that you’d like to resolve the situation. It’ll increase the likelihood that you will reach a win-win solution.
We are amid more change as a society than I think anyone has experienced for quite some time. I’ve talked several times about how we have to cognizant of that. Well in the context of this blog I want to remind you that in this time of heightened change we need to be ever mindful of why we are here, why we are seeking to change something, who we are changing it for, and what outcome we are seeking and let that be the frame of reference you use to base your position on, not just your personal point of view.
“The Law of win/win says, let’s not do-it your way, or my way; lets’ do it the best way” – Greg Anderson
Until next time…
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