Last blog I challenged you to focus on your development. One thing that I want to add to that, is to get to where you deserve to be, where you truly want to be, doing what you love, you need to conquer any fears that are holding you back.
Anything that is stopping you from owning the vision, taking the next step, putting it on the development plan, asking for that training.
We all experience fear, in varying degrees, but do you know the source of your fear? Today we’re talking about fear, and the 4 main fears that we as human use to stop ourselves moving forward...
Fear of Rejection
Fear of Ruin
Fear of Regret
Fear or Responsibility
Fear of Rejection
The first one, which we all know, is the fear of rejection. As a social species, acceptance, validation, and belonging are so built into our belief systems, that it intrinsically makes doing anything that would risk us looking like a fool scary. Anything that would make your family make fun of you, that would make somebody stop loving you or caring for you as much, or doing something where you would truly feel like you are now ostracised by people that you care about, or care for.
That concept can be truly terrifying for people, and it can hold many people back. Keep them in the centre ground, plodding along, not speaking their truth, not challenging where they know there is growth potential. Not reaching for the stars instead settling for what is chosen for you rather than by you.
“If you try to please everybody all the time at the cost of your own health, wealth, joy, and confidence in life, you have rejection issues.” – Brendon Burchard
To help overcome those negative thoughts around this, we need to flip the internal monologue. Where we might think “what might they think if I say ‘yes’ or ‘no” - then we flip it and say, “What would I have to do to gain the next level of love, connection, belonging, or validation from the group of people who I want to serve, who I want to care for, who I want to contribute to?”
The key here is to stop looking only externally for that validation and to go within. Decide what you are fighting for, what you stand for and then flip the questions so you can take the next right action of integrity for you and them, whatever that is.
Fear of Ruin
Ruin, the fear of complete and utter irreversibility of a negative consequence. This fear all comes down to mindset – and not being in a learning mindset. You may well say “I’m not scared of ruin, I’m just scared of being disappointed.” To you, I say, “No, you’re just not into learning yet. You’re not scared of disappointment. You’re just not into learning yet.”
Because when you are into learning, disappointment and ruin aren’t even on the table, because everything is a test. Everything is a data point. Everything is something to learn from, and everything is a jumping off point, not a cliff.
This fear manifests itself as catastrophising. Like “If I do that X and it fails I’ll lose everything”, or “If I try and it fails I’ll be financially ruined”, or “if I speak my mind I’ll be judged and dismissed as stupid or a trouble-maker forever” Logically, rationally, we know these things aren’t true. There is always a way back, a new route to the same dream.
As soon as you start feeling yourself catastrophising, remember to ask yourself better questions, and say, “Okay, not what I wanted, so what should I do today?” “Not what I wanted. What am I going to do to start moving it forward, to making that next pound”, What is my next right action of integrity?”
That there’s always a next, right? Always a next. It’s one of the great four letter words of all time - next.
Instead of looking forward through negative spectacles - “I’m going to jump off this cliff, and take this action, and I’m going to fall to my death, ruin and destruction.” Instead acknowledge the risk but with faith and confidence in yourself - “I’m going to jump off this cliff and I’m going to fly, baby. I don’t know how, and I might fall for a little bit, but I’m going to flap those wings, and at some point I’m going to catch that wind, and here we go.”
Your expectancy needs to be in the air not the gutter. As soon as you hear it, you have to flip it.
Fear of Regret
Third big idea in overcoming our fears is the fear of regret. Fear of regret is like a stake in the ground that you’re tied to. When you just want to go beyond a boundary, but this fear of regret stops you because you don’t want to regret taking an action, because if you took an action and you were rejected, and you were ruinous, and then you felt like, “I knew I shouldn’t have done that.”
Doesn’t this make everything else worse? If you fear these things and they happen, now you regret the action 10x worse, but that’s what we keep doing. We 10x our fears
So what positive things can you do so you don’t have regret, versus fearing something and stopping, so you don’t have regret?
Most people use regret the wrong way. They use regret as a reason to not do something. I don’t want to do that because I’ll regret it versus I’m going to do those things so I don’t have regret.
When you have a learning mindset, there’s not much regret. I don’t have a lot of disappointment. I also don’t have a lot of regret, because my mindset is: “Oh, I did that, didn’t work out. Darn it, okay, shouldn’t have done that.” Learn, adjust behaviour, try again right?
A learning mindset is the great release of fear, because as soon as you approach it as, “I’m going to learn through it, and get better,” now the fear doesn’t stop you anymore. If you have a lot of regrets, you need to explore what you learnt instead, find out why that experience has made you who you are today, and what you can take from it, so you can forgive yourself, forget the negatives and start moving forward again – wiser for the experience.
There’s a tomorrow, and it’s going to be amazing.
Fear of Responsibility
Last piece, number four, this is what we really fear, responsibility. We fear that we are actually responsible for our lives.
It’s like that great Marianne Williamson quote:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us”.
We’re actually fearful of our full power, because what would that really bring out in us? What would happen to us, if we were fully responsible for the outcomes in our life? What would it say if we had more power than we were actualising in life?
At the base of everything is personal responsibility, or what used to be called self-reliance. That sense of personal power that says, “I am in command of my life.” It doesn’t mean you’re in command of everything that happens to you in life, but you are in command of your responses. And what we are scared of is that we won’t show up as our best self to deal with those demands. We’re scared of taking full responsibility for everything, because what would that say about us?
But I take full responsibility for everything in my life. It doesn’t mean I believe I caused everything. But ultimately, I am responsible for what my responses and choices are within it. We are responsible for the people who we become. We are responsible for how you are going to deal with what comes to us.
“The last of the human freedoms is the ability to choose one’s own attitude.” - Viktor Frankl
They can take away everything else, but they can’t take away how you respond in mind. And when you know that, that gives you great power and responsibility in life. So, when you feel like a victim, it is this fear manifesting within you. You might not call it that. You might not recognise it, but you’re scared of responsibility.
I have personal power because I have hope. I have personal power because I have optimism for tomorrow. I have personal power because I look at the areas of my life regularly, and I say, “Where have I been stuck? Where am I fearful? What can I do as my next right action of integrity?”
The secret to fear – flip it and see what happens
Flip rejection to doing the things that will bring greater connection in your life. Watch the quality of your life go up.
Stop worrying about what will be ruined, and you start remembering that there’s always a tomorrow, and you have hope and optimism. You just need to ask, What’s my next right action of integrity? And you keep moving forward.
Guess what happens when regret is free? You let that go. You’re not worried about the regret of, “if I do this, maybe things will turn out bad.” Okay, what would I need to do, so I don’t experience regret at the end of my life? What positive actions could I take, to live a life of my own, so I don’t have regret, so I’m proud of my life? Because pride on the other side of regret feels good.
Then responsibility. Instead of saying, “What if I can’t handle it, or what if I’m not responsible?” Say, “I’m totally responsible for this. I am able to shape it, guide it, change it and make it better.”
Now you’re really stepping in your personal power, and when you move through these things in a very practical way remaining aware of your fears, and you just start flipping them, you get in a rhythm, and all of a sudden you say, “Wow, I feel really courageous in my life.” And that’s when you start making your greatest contributions.
That’s what’s needs to be on your PDP, on your vision board, in your heart.
Until next time...
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